Sunday, May 30, 2010

This Is What Is

Since Britt was killed, April and May have been hard. The anniversary of her death followed so closely by Mother's Day is a one-two sucker punch from the universe. I think about karma, and wonder what I am supposed to be working out. Where is the lesson? What is the lesson? I think about reincarnation and wonder what I could possibly have gotten wrong before that this is the answer to getting it right. I think about unanswered prayers and I wonder why it's surprises anyone that it's just easier to let go and not believe in anything anymore.

Every day is a colossal effort. Get up. Get dressed. Go to work. Focus. Be anywhere but inside your head. Smile. Maintain. Carry on. When people say 'Hi! How are you?' Say 'Fine, thanks! You?' Do not say 'Angry.' Do not say 'Losing my mind.' Do not say 'Have you lost your mind?!' Above all, do not say 'My heart is breaking a thousand times a day.' 'Fine, thanks! You?' is just easier for everyone. Because this is what is. She is gone and she is not coming back and there are countless, numberless days to manage.

There are gardens to plant and rooms to tidy. Laundry and dishes and floors that need attention. Decisions to make and plans to follow and all the flotsam and jetsam of life that continues to accumulate...regardless. And, June is coming.


Lisa said...

There aren't any answers. Just a lot of questions. Sometimes all you can do with "How are you?" is remember that what it really means, most of the time, is "I see you," and sometimes if you're lucky "I love you." That's about all it's good for most of the time, as far as I can tell.

Of course some of us ask because we want to know.

Debi Harbuck said...

Knowing that's true makes days easier. Thank you sweetie.

Jesse Wiedinmyer said...

Can't say that I have any answers for you, Deb.

I will say, though, that the older I get, the less interest I have in phatic interaction. And the older I get, the more of interaction seems purely phatic.

Debi Harbuck said...

That's okay, sweetie. I'm pretty sure there aren't any answers. I just can't seem to stop asking the questions.